Anger is the righteous emotion, and anything worth a shit is worth getting angry about. The games which please us make us furious, the games we hate are disgusting, sad, and, furthermore, boring. Nobody who ever played a video game past the age of five did so because they were bored and frustrated. They did it because they were controller-chewing furious. We know that the Super Nintendo was the best console we ever owned, for the simple reason that there are the most teeth marks in it (our religion is such that we believe everybody goes to Silent Hill, whether they’re good or bad, and enjoy it to varying degrees based on their own comfort with their quirks — in light of this, we strive to get to a place, spiritually, so that when we see the tumor bristling with molars that rolls over King of the Monsters cartridges while shrieking hideously (probably moments before Pyramid Head wanders into view to place a quarter on the urinal, because “he’s got next”) we will feel nothing but pride (so far, it’s not working). You could autopsy any given gaming device this way to determine its age by tree-rings of animalistic rage. It’s very clear to the gamer why some women are beaten. Only something you love can make you truly furious.

If you think we’re mocking spousal abuse, you’ve underestimated how much we love games.

-ABDN